Hailey's Story

Haley Mason struggled with the pain of her abortion decision, yet she never talked about it. Instead, her drinking increased --- somehow numbing the wounds buried deep within her soul. Day after day the ghosts haunted her. Alcohol no longer covered the pain. A hot bath, a quick jog were healthy choices but only provided temporary relief.

Hailey suffered from post-abortion stress syndrome. In the epilogue portion of "Where is my rainbow?," Robben records:

Haley fell in love with Todd. She became pregnant. He did not want the baby. How the father of the baby reacts to the pregnancy news is a leading factor in the mother’s decision to abort.

Once Haley found out she was pregnant and received Todd's reaction, she rushed into a decision – something 81 percent of post-abortive women do. Other factors that played into Haley’s decision were being unmarried and her low financial resources. These issues could have been dealt with provided Haley took time to analyze her feelings and value system prior to her decision. Having a baby as a single parent would also, in Haley’s mind, save her family from being disappointed in her.

The day of the abortion was extremely stressful. There was the long wait, the unpleasant sounds, and finally, the meeting of the uncaring, crude physician. Unfortunately, this type of treatment is not all that uncommon. Abortionists compromise their Hippocratic Oath. They are no longer healing, but destroying. Thus, abortionists become “hired hands,” and the health of their patients – both mental and physical are unimportant. In other words, the abortionist’s professionalism and caring attitude literally vanishes.

Haley was spotting from the suction procedure at least into January. This is called post-abortive hemorrhage, a physical complication that affects 50 percent of all post-abortive women. One of the reasons for this is that the cervix is hard or “green” to protect the contents of the womb. When a baby is delivered full-term, the cervix will naturally soften, open and dilate. If it is forced open, as through an abortion procedure, it causes stress on the cervical muscles, and will sometimes even result in ripping along the uterine wall. The constant spotting of blood affects the psyche as it is a continual reminder of death – the death of her unborn baby.

Haley’s abortion affected her physically and mentally. It felt as if her body had been violated – raped. Abortion “injures women in a way which creates so much shame that their victims actually help to conceal the crime.” Thus, Haley denied the feelings that grew within herself. She told few people – three close friends and two relatives about her abortion, possibly to get her secret out, possibly to get their support. None of these individuals knew just how much Haley suffered. She withdrew – put up a wall around herself. She couldn’t think about it because it hurt too much. When Haley did think about it, she reasoned the abortion was the best decision. For the most part, however, Haley didn’t want to think about the abortion. After all, how could she be so rotten as to destroy her own baby?

Haley suffered from guilt and self-condemnation. In a sense, she “self-aborted” by giving into all her feelings of self-hatred and self-punishment. Haley was out to destroy herself. No longer did she deserve to be loved. Even if a man would treat Haley nicely, she’d find something wrong, or manipulate the situation so that he would no longer like her. She alienated herself more and more from those who truly loved her. She didn’t believe she deserved their love. Quite likely, Haley reasoned, ‘if they really knew the truth about me – if they knew I had an abortion, they most definitely could no longer love me.’ Therefore, Haley suffered in silence – becoming locked in her own internal prison.

Within this prison Haley became quite insecure. She longed for a man – her knight in shining armor – the one who would rescue her. Increases in alcohol use and sexual relationships became Haley’s way of reaching out for positive attention to lesson her pain. Haley documented that the only way she could enjoy sex was to be drunk. Alcohol was the only way she became emotionally strong enough to give up her body – something that repeatedly reminded Haley of her abortion.

This was especially true in her relationship with Todd, the father of her aborted baby. The child within Haley's womb was inconvenient for Todd. Haley got rid of this inconvenience. In a sense, the abortion became a denial of their sexual union – the union of their bodies. It also rejected the idea of a long-term commitment, something Haley had hoped for. Haley and Todd's relationship, therefore, became based on what was convenient for Todd. His calling at early hours in the morning, most likely for a sexual encounter, became a constant reminder to Haley of this convenience. Haley didn’t like this. She wanted it to stop. Yet, she couldn’t, possibly because the sexual act at Todd's convenience reenacted her self-punishment – something she deserved for aborting her child.

Drinking became Haley’s only refuge. Even though Haley may have had a problem with alcohol use before her abortion, it increased after the procedure. This is not unusual, as a third of post-aborted women begin drinking more heavily. It became Haley’s way of not having to think and feel – a way to avoid tears and reality.

Research taken from: Theresa Burke and David C. Reardon, Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion; David C. Reardon, Aborted Women, Silent No More; and David C. Reardon, The Jericho Plan: Breaking Down the Walls Which Prevent Post-Abortion Healing.

Hear Haley’s story. Donetta Robben will speak at pro-life banquets and conventions as well as any pro-life fund-raiser or Christian church group. Donetta has completed the book "Where is my rainbow?," revealing Haley's story and how abortion not only affects the baby, but the spirit of the mother as well. It will be available to the public Oct. 1.

Telling Haley’s story has many purposes. First, it is to recognize that any woman, man, grandparent or relative, who are victims of abortion and suffer from post-abortion stress syndrome, might recognize their symptoms and seek the professional help needed to confront their pain and loss.

Second, it is hoped Haley’s story will stress the importance of good pregnancy counseling. Readers will understand Haley had several traumas in her life. Abortion was the final trigger. Hopefully, a good counselor would recognize that Haley should never have been a candidate for abortion.

Third, this story is for unwed mothers homes and adoption agencies to understand how important their alternative ministries are to women and society at large.

Fourth, Haley's story will emphasize to religious education programs, private schools and even public schools the need to talk about abstinence, chastity, and the consequences of abortion – subjects difficult to approach but absolutely necessary for living a healthy physical and spiritual lifestyle.

Fifth, it is desired that this story will compel families to take a look at their structure and work to foster better communication.

Last, it is hoped by the author that lawmakers will be able to use Haley’s story as a means to protect women. Abortion has been legal in this nation for more than thirty years – an entire generation. The devastating fallout from this legal decision becomes more apparent with each passing year.

"Where is my rainbow?" is now available. If you would like a copy, please complete the following form: